happy halloween!

Hi everyone! Its been a while since I posted, which is really annoying. But thats how it goes right? cuz everyones in school and the only things we can do is work work work. Well, as a Freshie in high school I feel I should tell people how I feel about it.. . . . . . . . . IT IS SO BORING!!!!!!!!!!

In my school I have the same routine every single freakin day. And after a while it starts to get really boring. But at least the teachers I have are entertaining (sp?). All of them are really nice and caring, though I really find one thing about this disturbing. I take Geometrey (pardon spelling mistakes, I still cant spell) and my teacher now thinks of me as a tutorr for people. And, I was HORRID at math last year. I have no idea how I past algebra. But I helped the first person I met in the class who was a sophmore as most of the kids in the class are, and she improved. So somehow my teacher thinks that I would be a great person to teach other people. So she assigned me other kids to help and they got the hang of it. So, now I'm assigned to yet another kid.. . . . . . . . . . .and I just noticed, I have no clue if she would be giving me extra credit for this. I mean, I think helping people, but I have been put to work by her. Oh well.

And speaking of school, I got this progress report thingie yesterday, and my total average (some how) is a 96.30. I NEVER got that high of an average before. But hopefully this will help me reach my highschool goal. Which is to be saludetorian, which is the person with the secound highest grades in the entire year that thier in. So maybe that will be achevied I hope so but i have no clue.

Anyway! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!! I knwo I'm a day early but I wont be able to post tommorrow cuz I'm going over to a friends house and sleeping over there. Is anyone celebrating halloween?????? I am but a lot of people I know arent. I still think its fun. And people might find it interesting to find out that I amd going to be a vampire. Just the fangs though, not any of that other steryotypical crap. I actually wore them to school today and I got quite a few amusing reactions. But on another note, I noticed this kid had fangs, and they didnt look to fake. I've seen him around school before, but I had never actually gotten close enough to notice them. Maybe I'm being parinoid, but I guess I'll find out on a later date

I hope everyone updates soon!

Happy Halloween,
Yuuka

Heyllo there

Hi everyone! I'm really sorry I didnt post for a while. I hadnt been able to. But everythings been going pretty well. And theres not much going on. High school isnt going too badly, and I've made a couple new friends. But I still miss Haru and Ama.

Anywho, what i wanted to ask of everyone is to write a profile of a character thats based off of you. I would like one because i wanna make a story about people i know, so it only fits that everyone makes a character up. It's going to be scifi/fantasy so u can make them look, act and be what ever u like. So If you guys could please do that i would be really happy, and just comment to this post and ill collect them and start the story. I'll post it when i get enough done, so message me soon!

Your friend,
Yuuka

Program

Okie Dokie, I now finally have my program. And surprissingly I'm in the Honors Acadamy. I have living envirnment, geometry, honors english (no idea how i got into that) and Global history. My language for the next three years is Japenese.

Theres not really much to say. . . . .well other than the fact that i signed up for Leadership which starts at 7:30 in the morning.

My first day is the 9th, so I'll keep you guys posted.

Your friend,
Yuuka

Bored of Waiting

Heyllo there. I haven't posted in a while, mainly because there is absolutely nothing to talk about. Though, this Wednesday I am going to get my schedule for school. And the waiting to see what classes I have is killing me!!! The only two things I know I'm going to be in is the Science research program and Geometry (which I just so happen to hate). I'll post again when I get it but until then, Bye!

Your friend,
A bored Yuuka

Back in a new Home

Hey everyone. I am very very happy to finally be settled in my new home! I had come back from Ohio on the 24th. . . . . . I think. But I hadnt been able to get online until this Sunday.

Ohio was fun. My cousins are 15, 13, and 10. And it was pretty interesting. I had fallen in love with a donut shop when i went over there! It was Buskens! They have the BEST powdered donuts on the face of the planet. We went on a nature walk, to an art museum and we had lots of milkshakes. And once again I found the BEST Milk shakes. Sarah (the 13 year old) and I really hit it off. And the youngest, Emily, was crazy, I mean my whole family is crazy but she was practically bouncing off thewalls at all times. And the oldest is Josh, he mainly keeps to himself, though.

And While in Ohio I was surprised by something, or someone rather. there is this big suppermarket like thing called Sams. And throughout Sam's you can get samples of various foods. So towards the end of our shopping trip, Sarah, Emily and I saw that they were handing out ice cream samples. So Sarah, Emily and i went over to see what kind of ice cream it was and to go and get a sample. There had been a rather rude lady with two younger kids that wanted to get ice cream first, because the person at the stand was getting another gallon out. And before Emily could protest I stepped back and let the women go because there was no point in getting into a fuss about samples. First Emily got hers, and note the scooper thing was about the size of a walnut, and she got one scoop. Then, with me noting that the ice cream was blueberry creamI didnt want any so I told Sarah to get hers. And then the guy behind the stand asked me if I wanted any while he was getting some for Sarah. When I said no, he asked me if I was sure, while he was scooping more then one scoop out for Sarahs sample. When I said thanks but no, he said okay, but this is how much i was going to give you. And there was a tower of ice cream coming out of the tiny taste sample cup. And Emilys mouth was hanging open. Then with that we left the stand and once we were out of an ear shot I started turning red and Sarah started laughing because I was hit on by a teen at an tast tester stand. When the adults of our group found out they started laughing as well and Emily was complaining about how much more ice cream Sarah had gotten. And now they refuse to let me foreget about it.

All in all, I had fun. But anywho, I've gotta go and continue writting essays for my summer homework assignment.

To Danny Tony and the rest of the pack, I hope you all feel better soon. And I hope your issue doesnt sprout into something worse. I wish you the best of luck.

Your friend,
Yuuka

Back and Gone again

Heyllo!!! I hope everyone is enjoyng their summers. This Saturday I had returned home from a 8 day cruise!! My mom and I went to the Bahamas! And it was HOT!!!!!!

The cruise was fun. The worst part was that at a point in the cruise there had been 8ft swells, causing the boat to rock, a lot. The best part was swimming in the near crystal clear water. It was amazing. We went horse back riding, swimming and. . . . . .what else did we do? Oh right! We went to Atlantis.

But I am very very very very happy to be home. And on land, no less. Though, I am soon going to take another trip. I am going to Ohio to visit family. My cousins to be exact. I havent seen them in around 4 or 5 years. So it should be fun. And seeing them at the airport will defiently going to be a site to remember. I hear that they are extermely exited to see me. Why? I have no idea.

Oh, and something that one or two of you guys might find funny is I now have a favorite word. It is aft! I got it from the cruise, 'cause they call the back of the ship the aft, aka the ass of the ship. So I now try and use it as much as possible.

Thats really it. I'll keep you guys posted, and feel free to ask questions.

Speak to you soon,
Yuuka

P.S. Kimi says hi

A Visit

Heyllo, just so that you know i have not been in a depressed mood or anything i just had nothing to post! But anyway, Yesterday my father and my nearly non-existent half brother stopped by my house, picked me up and took me out to eat.

It was kind of strange for me to be around them. I just saw my dad last year in Indiana, but it's been practically 4 years since I saw my brother. and when i got home (which was around 9:30) my mom expected me to cry. And i thought I would too, it was practically what I did after I got home whenever I saw them. I would cry because I missed them. I would cry because I was angry. But I didn't cry, not this time. I guess it was because I have learned to live without them. Without them promising to protect me, without them just being there. And I'm okay with them not being here, because I've learned how to protect myself. I have learned how to be strong for me.

I guess it took spending this evening with them for me to realize, that I was a total absolute stranger to them. I was the stranger looking in. My brother and my father would have a relationship that i know and understand that I could never be apart of. The only way I even really have a relationship with my brother is because of my father. When I was younger I knew that whatever happened I could rely on my brother. But now that I have grown, I can see that we are on two totally different levels. He just got out of high school, and I'm just going in. and I'm okay with that, because I know that no matter what, my brother is strong enough to move on with his life. Both of us were strong enough to live our own separate lives. and our father is the glue that holds us together.

I guess that you could say that my family is messed up, weird, and the like. But their not, we are all just trying to live our lives while keeping ties with each other tight. And even if you were to call my family screwed up, I wouldn't care, because I love them more then they could ever imagine. And no matter what someone says about my family, that fact will always be the same.

Love,
Yuuka

The Hardest Part

There are a lot of people who say that the hardest part is starting over. That the hardest part is beginning something new. I say the hardest part is the end.

I am ending one part of my life and beginning a whole new chapter. I'm starting from scratch. I won't know anybody, and I'll be in an unfamiliar place. In short, I'm going to a new school and I'm moving. This is most likely the last day I had to spend with everyone.

I'm shaking as I right this because I'm in pain. And annoyingly enough, in near tears. It pains me to know that I'm leaving everyone I love and treasure deeply behind. I've moved and changed schools before, but I was never as attached to other places like I am this one. It hurts me to know that after this my closest friends are leaving too. We're splitting up and carrying on with our lives. I know this might seem selfish, but I wish that everything could stay the same. That, this day, would never end.

I guess, I've grown so dependent on them to be there for me. But trying to tie my friends down would be like trying to capture the air. I know for a fact, even if we could stay together, if we could stay the same, they would choose to go on. They would choose to leave, because they would know and want better. They'd want to grow and live their own lives.

I know theres email and such but, is that really the same? Would it be the same as talking to them in person, seeing them laugh or smile? I dont think so. . . . . .

But, somethings gotta give right? Nothing can stay the same forever. If it did where would be the adventure? What would we really learn? If we'd learn anything at all.

In the end, I know things need to change. And if it didnt there would be no point. There would be no point in having friends, we wouldnt learn anything from each other. There'd be no point in doing anything, because there would be no adventure. So, even though, the end is the hardest part for me, I know that there will always be endings, and with each ending is a new beginning. All I can do is live in the moment, and make the most of the time I have right now.

Love,
A sad Yuuka

Regents and Dancing

Heyllo, just wanted to clarify this, a regents is a state wide exam. It is a three hour test that is given at the end of the school year to test your knowledge on a course that you took. I took the Integrated Algebra Regents as well as the Earth Science Regents. Within the coming years I will be taking a lot more regents.

And I love to dance. I take dance as a subject in school and I occassionally dance around my house like a maniac.

Anyway, theres love, jealousy, problems and drama filling the sweet not-too-clean air. And that can only mean one thing. That summer is here. So if you want help with anything just ask.

And along with asking for help, you can ask pretty much anything. And I'll see what I can do in order to awnser your question. . . . .. . . . . . Wow, I began three paragraph thingies in a row with the letter A. . . . . . . . .O.o

Your friend,
Yuuka

All Done!!!

I am finally over and done with the regents. Ama and Haru have to take the spanish proficiency ( did I mention that I was really bad at spelling?) on Monday. And sadly I have to go to school on that day. . . . . .Oh, well. Its not like I have much better to do anyway.

I'm still ready and waiting for questions and such. Even if its something totally random, I dont mind.

From,
An excruciatingly bored Yuuka

One More to go!

I ONLY HAVE TO TAKE ONE MORE REGENTS THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow. . . . . . . . I think I'm still hyper from yesturday. Anyway, I took the science regents yersturday and tomorrow I have to take the Math Intergrated Algebra Regents. . . . . . . .long name. . . . . I just hope I do well, theres nothing much I can do now because ther is no way I'm going to try and study. . . . . I'll just forget everything.

"Que sera, sera." What ever happens, happens. Whatever will be will be.

Your friend,
A slightly hyper Yuuka

Science Regents

FINALLY!!!!! I have finally gotten the science regents done. It was okay. I fifnished just within 2 hours, I wasnt rushing or anything, I was actually taking my time. I feel sorry for Ama though. She had to rewrite everythign in pen.

But at least its over and done with. And now on to the Math regents. Ama, Haru and I are taking it this friday. Ugh. But hopefully we'll be over prepared. Our math teacher likes to fry our brians with math problems. She thinks its fun.

Anywho, if anyone wants to ask me anything I'm ready and waiting. Whether it be about me or for advice, I'm open.

A friend,
Yuuka

No Relaxation

I have officailly no time to relax or have fun at school. I have to take the science regents (which I'm taking tomorrow) and the math regents. And so my whole class is being pulled out of all of the fun classes and instead we have to go over and practice regents. Now if it had only been Math it wouldnt really be a problem but since our Spanish teacher is also pulling us out of certian classes, its really annoying (most of my class has to take the spanish proficiency test, not me though). And I'm hispanic (though I dont usually speak very much spanish)!

The major problem is that everyone around us, our parents, teachers, and even some friends are pressuring us to do well. Which, in turn, stresses us out even more than we normally would be. So now with everyone else pressuring us, our high school is pressuring us too. UGH!!!!! A lot of this can be really frustrating, and most people (seemingly the adults) dont understand this. All we can do is suck it up, study like hell and hope for the best.

Thats really it for today. If anyone has any questions to ask, ask away. And I'll get back to you soon. If anyone needs anything just ask.

A friend,
Yuuka

Oh! and Tony, its great to have you back.

How well do other people know you?

This question has bothered me for a while. Mainly because I ask myself how well do other people. And that comes around to how well do people know me. The awnser to that? Not very well.

I figured, when I was younger, that i should never let anyone close to me. Because in the end all it did was hurt. So I built up walls and masks, to try to hide and keep the real me safe from peoples prying eyes. And as I grew I found that I was okay. I never let anyone get too close and hurt me. But I had never let anyone close enough to love me for who I was. I was solitary and at the time, I liked it that way. I made friends, yeah. But they would always get a mask. Then, I moved, and I wanted to try something different, to start fresh, and I did. I took down a few of my walls and got rid of most of my masks. And it worked, somewhat. I actually started to care more, and get more attatched to the people I met. Therefore, when they hurt me, it really hurt. A lot.

And eventually what happened is that I had to stop friendships which killed me inside. Because other people were hurting. I guess I have to go back a bit. When I was younger, i was around my father who was drunk on occasion and he went through G.F. after G.F. An it was as if he was going through them like tissues. So I promised myself that I would care about people more to make up for what my father did. . . . . .and thats were my problem formed. I pulled down walls and I started to care a lot more. Caring for me is like a double edged sword. On one side it can help people, and keepthem smiling and laughing, on the other side, it can hurt me greatly. And, because of my caringness (is that even a word?) I was used, and walked on (though, theres this quote from Kanye West that said "If your not used your useless" or something along those lines). So, thst in turn made me a bit more sensitive then others would think. Then, I created another mask, my mask of strength. It helped me fool others, or what I had thought was fooling other into believing I was okay. And I wasnt. I went home and cryed practically every night. Thats when I found my friends who were able to climb over my walls and see me for who I was. Which is what I had said happened in my preivious post.

Anyway, it still always has me wondering. How much do I let people know me? I dont even know the anwser to that question. But I want you to anwser it. How much do you let people know you?

NonExistant

Everyone has their moments when they want to change thier past, right? Well, what would you change? What would happen if you changed it? How would you be different now? Would you be different?

My past isnt the greatest and it varies in color depending on where you look. And sometimes I look back and wish I could change something I did, or said. A lot of the time its those moments when I hurt the people closest to me. And some of them are when people hurt me. Then, I have those moments where I wished I didnt exist at all. But then I think of the butterfly effect.

The butterfly effect is when something in the past is changed and everything else changes. It states that even if you change something small, like what shoes you wore, and such. When I think of this I think of the people I met and what would happen to them if I wasnt there. I dont want to sound like a snob, and I'm not trying to, but I think of all the people I met and helped. I think of all the times I was able to smile, all the friends I made. And then I start thinking about the what ifs.

After a while, (and every time I think about it) I realize that I love the way my life is. I love the people I met, even if they did me wrong. I love them because they helped make me who I am today. They hepled me get through bigger challenges. Because all those people, who hurt me, who left me, (which are quite a few) helped make me stronger. And over time I saw who my real friends and family are.

Your family doesnt have to be blood related, your family are the people who love you for you. They are the people who have seen you at your worst and your best. They are the people who have seen you cry and seen you happy. They are the people that will catch you if you fall. I have got to say, it took me a long time to figure that out. And it took the people who I thought was closest to leave me. And I fell into this useless cycle of hating myself. And I smiled even though it hurt and I laughed even though I wanted to cry. I tried to hide how I felt from the people who could see pasts all my masks. And I hurt them. A lot. One day a bunch of them came up to me and told me that they knew and understood what I was going through. And i told them everything, I told them all about my past and what I had been through. And I cried And cried and cried until I could cry anymore. And they were still there. Thats when I learned who my family was.

So in the end, even if I had the chance to change something in my past, I wouldnt. I would keep everything the way it is. Yeah my past is painful and scary but it is also happy and fun. For me, the option of changing my past is nonexistant. Because I have learned how to except myself as well as the people around me for who they are.

And for one friend out there, you should know this too. You have people who love you and care about you. You have no idea how lucky you are. And I understand about the whole family thing, I get it. And I know it hurts like crazy. But trust me you will make it through. And I know your whole pack would back me up on this but they love you, they really do. To them you are thier family. You have been there to help so many of them, now let them help you. And belive me, there will always be people to help you out. Even in the darkest of nights, there is always a light that can help you find your way.

Love,
Yuuka

Over and Done With

Heyllo, I am officailly over and done with all the drama, in school and such. Its getting way too much to deal with at the end of the year.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I am a huge fan of R.J.A. a.k.a Red Jump Siut Apparaus!!!! It is and awsome band. If you've heard of it great, if not listen to it!

Thats it for today. Other than my spring Concert later. It should be at least somewhat entertaining. And the Prom tomorrow. . . . . . . .

Thats really all I have to say. If you think I might find something interesting go ahead and tell me about it. If you wanna talk I'll see what I can do about using and email adress of Mine. . . . .Thats it for today.

Your friend,
Yuuka

Speachless

Hey, It's Yuuka. And I am officially speechless. Why? Because it seems that some people can be so determined that they underestimate a persons will.

It infuriates me that someone would think that after I end something, they refuse to except my position and choice that I made. And you see, I firmly closed that door with lock and key but this person still trys to reopen it. With absolutely no concern about who she (whoops, oh well,) hurts while doing so.

If you want the full story, here it is. A friendship formed between me and this person. And at first, it was fun. but as time went on I realized that I was starting to be tossed around like a rag doll or some toy. And one day, this person, decides to become mute. Not to everyone just me. I said Hi and She gave me a look. A look. thats it, no response at all. And it hurt, badly. If your close friend suddenly wouldnt say a word around you how would that make you feel? And this went on for a while. And pretty much every night i would come home and cry because I was so upset. Because dispite my efforts to be nice, have fun around that person, and make them smile, all I would get was pain. And so I though, you know what I'm ready to move on. and I started to. When she decided she wanted me back. You know what the excuse was? "I dont want it to hurt a lot when we graduate." that was their reason. And was I heard that I nearly cried, right then and there. then I explained that they just caused me so much pain. And they apologized and that was enough for me. I tried again. And around 2 weeks ago, we were talking on aim, I said that she was being a hypocrite, and she flipped out on me. And cursed at me. I mean, even I can fully admit to being a hypocrite. So this time I closed the door for real. Immediately after she cursed she signed off. so I emailed her saying that I wont be treated like that anymore. And I'm done with dealing with her.

That was when I was done. Here's what happened next. She sent me an email apologizing. Saying that she was over reacting. I didnt reply. Later her friend sent me an email that showed me her "Choices." It was either run away. Or stay. And this is when I sent her a message that said If you runaway then she would be dead to me. And I know that is not the nicest of things to say but it's true. You cant run away from your problems. they will come back and haunt you. So, she sent me an email saying how I wasnt supposed to find out and that crap. And once again, more excuses. And I replied saying that I no longer care about what she does, or what her choices are. I'm done. I'm done with you and all the pain you caused me. I said I was finished.

So school rolls around and I have "friendly" conversations with her. Mainly because I didnt need the whole world to know my business. And she decides to call me yesterday, and say that shes sorry for everything shes put me through. And she thanked me for being there for her. Saying that she loved me and I was her best friend. She also said that she understood that I didnt want to be friends with her anymore, "But I wont except that." And it left me in an angered speechless moment.

So that is why I'm pissed and I'm not so speechless anymore. If the person I'm talking about is reading this, know that no matter what you say or do, the friendship that we once shared is done. I closed that door. And it will not be reopened.

From,
A not so speechless Yuuka

Placement Test

Heyllo, It's Yuuka here. I am taking my placement test tomorrow. Ugh! And I was supposed to get this day off. But noooooo, they had to just take the one day we want of break away.

*shrug* Oh well. Anyway, I am very bored and very tired so Ima go.

And Tony, Danny, if they email/ give you a letter again dont forget to tell. I havent thought of anything yet but I will soon. And I know that I've said this before, but Kimi and I are behind you all the way.

From,
An Annoyed Yuuka

P.s. Kimi says Hi. And a long list of other things but I really dont feel like typing it all. . . . . . .In general shes cursing out those haters. She is very determined to make them pay but she hasnt thought of anything yet.

Bye

Bored out of my mind ~Kimi

I am officially bored out of my freaking mind. Today, I was forced to take the Social Studies State exam. Ugh. And then I had to act, again. And tomorrow I'm going to have to take part to of the socail studies exam. Along with acting.

Yuuka is hiding at the moment in some extremely brightly lit room. Which is actually is giving me a head ache. Yes, bright light can give me a serious headache if I'm there too long. What I will do in the summer? No idea.

I guess I'm laking some inspiration today. Cause at the moment I'm just rambling. Oh well, it seems like you people dont really care if I ramble or not. . . . . . . .I am just really tired and bored. And I'm getting a head ache.

OH!!!1 Update. Sam is doing better. . . . . .somewhat. Shes still hiding away but she came out of her hole during the weekend.

-Kimi

P.S. Some of you will get this some of you wont but, three minds one body.

Cut the Crap ~Kimi

As most of you already know, I'm Kimi,Yuuka's friend. And I am telling everyone I know and everyone who is willing to listen, to cut the crap.

I have officially had enough with people acting nice towards others when its totally fake. What is it? Are you AFRAID to tell others how you feel? Are you AFRAID about what they'll say? I mean honestly I think all of humanity has got this problem. Humans are AFRAID of one another. They are AFRAID of what they can do. So they make alliances with people they barely know and hope to have them help you out when its time to fight.

Okay, maybe I should explain myself first. Technically speaking I am not human. I'm a demon, or demigod. . . . .Whatever the hell you want to call it. And no I do not look insane or devil like I am look just like a normal person. But I'm not. No I cannot control the underworld or zombies. I can actually control something. . . . . . But anyway.

I want all of you reading this to tell some one how you really feel, at least once in the next week. I have been around too many people who just through their opinions away. Too many people I know are willing to fake a smile and laugh even though their in pain. CUT THE GOD DAMNED CRAP AND TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH FOR ONCE!!!!!!!! I know that not telling people how you feel is supposed to stop them from worrying about you. But the truth is, it doesnt. Most of the time, the people your lieing too can tell that something is wrong. And it hurts them. It HURTS!

I know, because it's happened to me. I have had friends, people I know and love, lie about how their feeling. They lie to make me feel better. But what if you knew you where really killing them inside? What if you knew that they would stress themselves out because of you? What if you knew? What would you do then?

Most, or some of you rather, can see where I'm coming from (hopefully). I know people are hard to trust. Because, all of us, can be cruel and hurtful even when we dont mean to be. But reach out anyway. Take that hand thats waiting.

And cut the crap.

-Kimi

Copy and Paste

95% of all teens would go into a panic if the Jonas brothers were on an 100ft building about to jump. Copy and paste if you are one of those 5% who brought popcorn and invited friends while yelling "JUMP JUMP JUMP AND DIES BITCHES!!!!!"


I'm sorry if some people find this offensive. I don't really have anything against the Jonas Brothers but its true. I would be one of that 5%.

-Yuuka

Crack and Break Help.

Okay, a close friend of mine, Sam (who is a girl), has officially broken down and hidden away from the rest of the world. I know for a fact she "reassured" several of both of our friends a few days earlier that she would not break down. But the thing is that she did.

I guess i should start from the beginning. From the very beginning. Okay the first problem had been one ever since she was a baby. Her father. Her parents have never and will never officially be together. They were never married but they had her. And her father used -well, most likely still is- an alcholic. So with that she has seen many rather painful things. And 99.99% of that is in her past. If someone brings him up she can get emotional, or she keeps everything hidden and locked up inside. On to problem number two, she had been very close to a friend who in my own words, likes to wallow in self pity. And they both had a rather tight grip on each other. but she's cooping and moving on. Now, a lot of times she might act unfeeling about this person but the truth is, Sam couldn't hate her arch nemeses. She will care and love perfect strangers. But with that comes the third problem. The way that she cares about people is a double edged sword. It can help others so much, but at what cost? She is willing to sacrifice her life, her will, her freedom, if she could just see people smile, and laugh. She would do anything to have others happy. Even if it meant giving up her own happiness.

Now lets come to how it happened. She was on the phone, talking leisurely about things like Naruto and such. When they wandered onto some not so happy and relaxed topics. See, the thing with same is that she wants to make up for others mistakes. Her father would judge and hate a perfect stranger, for no reason. She wanted to be caring in ways that he couldn't be. Then, the friend, who likes to wallow in self pity, they had talked about Sam leaving the relationship. Sam described how the girl who wallows in self pity doesn't see how she affects people around her. How her problems, her "only choices" make others so frustrated. Thats when it started. Sam hates that she can care sooo much about other people. She hates that she allows perfect strangers to reach in and grab her heart. She hates the fact that no matter what she does that there are people who are out of her range to help. She hates it. But she, from a little girl wanted to care for people the way others can't. She wanted to help people that others would just ignore. She wants to stand up for people who don't yet know how to stand up for themselves.

Honestly, to me, she is like peoples knight in shining armor. She will fight and protect when ever she feels necessary. So at the end of their conversation, she cried. And just cried and cried till no more tears to come out. when that happened she hid away. She hid in the deepest darkest crevice she could find. So I need advice. How can I get her out of her hole?

And just so that you know, I am not putting them blame on the people I mentioned. that is just something that helped her armor crack more than needed. Please, comment here with your advice. We both need all the help we can get.

Sincerely yours,
Yuuka

New Blog

Okay, just saying this so that you guys (not that your all men) stay informed. I have now written a new blog just for my writing. So now, if you want to read or critize you can go there and check it out. And since I'm feeling really lazy, go to my profile and the link will be there. And yea thats really it.

-Yuuka

I am over tired and drained. Why? I dont know. I was "Sleeping". All day. I hate this feeling. It seems like somethings not right. Maybe its just my paranoia but, I don't think so. It feels as if somethings about to go very wrong. I guess I really shouldn't dwell on this but the last time this happened. I was restless and my grandfather died. I need a book. . . . . . . .

Amarante/Yuuki, Ktaro/Harue- Keep and eye out on things for me. If something werid happens tell me. I don't feel paticularly secure at the moment. This is just a warining. Just stay alert.

~Yuuka

Story Start?. . . . Maybe

Okay, this is something I've had written in one of my thousands of books. I'm thinking of making it the start of a story. . . . .not too sure yet.

-Love
My body is shaking as my heart rips in two. It urns for the happiness that both of us seem to crave. I not only betrayed you but I betrayed all that I stood for. I had betrayed all that I wanted to become. I ruined everything. I, the stupid cowardly fool, destroyed everything. Everything I stood for. Everything I wanted to be. Not only that but I destroyed the thing most precious to me. You. I killed everything you thought of me, everythign you thought I had become. I am worthless. I deserve nothing that you had given me. I deserve nothing. I am nothing. I dont want to be anything anymore. I dont want to be something that people care about. I dont deserve it. I deserve to be trash. I am trash. People should just throw me away, and not even look at me. Just put me in the garbage were I belong. I am a stupid, worthless, lieing and deciving piece of trash. I dont deserve you. I dont deserve what I have. I dont deserve what I abuse. I belong in a ccage with a chain around my neck. I have told myself this so many times. I told myself how much I dont deserve this, deserve you. I wish I didnt exist. Because if I didnt you wouldn't have to go through so much pain. I wish you didnt have to put up with my selfish, lieing me. I wish I could disappear. I wish I could me earased from peopels lives. I wish I could just fade away.. I wish I could be more than what I really am. I wish I was who I always wished I would be. I wish I was able to slip through my cracking insanity.
-Hate

Okay thats it. I'm not sure what it should be about but I have some Ideas. I want more of them from whoevers reading!!!!!!!! So please express your opinion, good or bad. And please dont copy it and say its yours.

-Yuuka

I haven't recieved any hate mail which is a very good thing. And i went over to a friends house and got some alone time outside. All in all today was a pretty good day. Nothing much to report, hopefully tomorrow will be just as interesting.

-Yuuka

Breaking ties

A friendship that I have once cherished dearly has come to a close, by my hand. The girl had, had a strong grip on my heart for a long time. Maybe it was because I wanted to help her, to see her smile. I dont know. But I have found that I am now no longer able to take what she does to herself. She cares too much about her "Rank". she belittles herself and refuses to except a compliment. She refuses to acknowledge those around her that are willing to help. And I was one of those people.

I had tried to be there for her. Tryed to make her happy but nothing worked. all I had been getting from the relationship was pain. And to be honest I have been through enough pain in my life. I dont what to go through what I've gone through again.

So i broke my ties with her. And I did it for me. We will probably never speak again, and I'm surprisingly okay with that. I'm in pain, yeah, but I just left some of my baggage behind, on my road.

If anyone needs help with anything. Or if you just want to talk. Tell me. I'll be there and I'll listen.

-Yuuka

Just remembered. . . . . .i officially have no spring concert. That is really really REALLY annoying. I'm in dance and we were supposed to be preforming and what-not. Oh, welll. And along with this, this friday I will be at my elemetary schools carinival. Whoopy! Not. *Sigh* Oh well. I guess thats it for now.

Yuuka

P.S. I am officially bored out of my mind

H1M1 aka Swine flu

Just yesterday my school has officially closed for a week because 27 students came down with "flu like" symtoms. So I am now officially online 24/7 for the next couple of days. So I will probably have a large erratic number of posts. . . . . . oh, and I dont usually post on the weekend.

-Yuuka

Lost

I am now lost beyond any ones control. . . . . . . .I guess I knew this for a long time, but I was too scared to admit it.

I lost myself, in everything. In all the lies I told, in all the pain I cause in all the stuff I dream. I don't understand anything, anymore. When I was younger, I was so sure of myself, so strong. But as Time and Reality seeped into my life I slowly started losing myself. I don't understand society, we bound ourselves by so many laws we wind up losing our individuality in order to fit in. I don't understand the laws of reality. Why can there only be this one world? Why can there only be this one dimensional plane?

I don't know what to believe in. I have seen things, with my own two eyes that I cannot explain. I have done things, with my two hands that are too gruesome to recall. I have thought things that no person should think of doing.

I lost myself in all that I want to be true. All that I want to happen. All that I am willing to open my mind, my eyes and my heart to. I lost myself within the laws that govern our society. I lost myself in the laws that govern reality.

Now all I can do is wait and wander. I can only wait, and hunt, to try and find myself. My pieces are scattered, they are tiny and beyond recognition. will you be so kind to help me look for them?

-Yuuka

Wishing

There are so many things that people wish for. But, why do we? Why is that, when we were younger everyone told us, if you wish upon a shooting star your dreams come true? Do they do it to preserve our naivety? Do they do it so that we learn to hope? So that we learn to dream, no matter how impossible or strange the dream may seem?

I dont know the answer. But the interesting thing is, that now that I'm older I know a lot of my wishes wont come true. And yet I still wish, I still dream for the impossible to happen. Its' weird, I think, that all of my silly hopes and dreams are still here inside me.

I guess a lot of us wish things because we want to better our lives. Or maybe even better someone else's. Maybe. . . . . . . .Or maybe we wish because we are selfish. Because we want things that we cant have. Maybe its because our imagination, if you let it, tells you anything can happen. Even its the craziest thing in the world.

As a child I used to wish for the most selfish of things. I used to dream that one day I would be the best, and the prettiest and the smartest. Then a year or so later I realized that I will never become the prettiest or the most powerful or the smartest. There are always things out there that are larger than I am. Maybe I realized this earlier than most because of the house hold I live in. . . . . . .But thats what I learned.

I think that every girl, boy, man and woman deserrves the chance to wish, to dream, to feel free. Even for a little while. Even if its just and escape from reality before it comes crashing down on you. Thats what I did. Though, i am now so caught up in my dreams, I really do wish it was real. Even when I know it most likely will never happen.

All the same, I will keep wishing. I will keep dreaming. I will keep drifting off into my own imagination even if its just for a moment, so that I can escape from this harsh and cold reality.

Tired

It's Yuuka. . . . . . Today just did not go as fast as I wanted it to. We had two long periods of english. In which I had to work in a group who couldnt seem to agree on anything. Then S.S., where it totally slipped my mind that we had this test, quiz, thing. Then Math, one of the most annoying subjects of all time. Next we had Science, dun,dun, dun . . . . . . We reviewed over a test we took yesterday. I am not commenting about the test. Finally the period before lunch, Spansih. It's not bad, it's just very boring to me. Then, when I think I have a free period to ewt relax and talk to friends its taken away. Instead we had to practice for the Arista ceremony, ugh. Last period was Math again. Finally the day came to a close with me beating a friend in chess.

I know to some people it might not seem long but today I was all over the place. I was a period ahead of my schedule which made it drag on even longer. And now I have a headache. Ugh. What ever. This post is just about bitching (sorry about the language) and complaining about today.

Sorry to disappoint,
Yuuka

Annoyance. . . . .To me at least

Okay, so heres the thing. There's Yuuka and then there's me, Kimi. I like Yuuka is part wolf. . . . SO I have officially been kicked out since Yuuka has been having some problems. Which can be exteremly annoying.

Here's the problem. . . . . .She will try and kill me later for saying this, but, shes scared. She lacks the courage to speak her mind. She lacks the courage to tell people how shes really feeling. For example, just today, on a group project she went from calm to livid because everyone was changing everything when it had already been decided on. I could tell that she was ready to burst, and she should of. . . . . . .well, maybe just a little bit. But instead she put herself through stress and grinned and bared it.

Yuuka is the kind of person who cares for all people. And I mean EVERYONE, if a stranger-no bigger than that- if her arch enemy had been run over by a car, she would run out in the middle of traffic to save them. Seriously, she really would. I on the other hand. . . . . . . Well lets not go into want I would do. . . . . . Anyway, Yuuka has undeniable strength inside her, she just lacks the courage to use it.

Here's were it comes to the annoying part. She made me stay afterschool, in dance class!!!! Okay, it might not seem bad, but I DO NOT dance. . . . . not often anyway. And then later she force me to SING in front of people. I know and I'm sorry if it doesnt mean that much to others but I am known for not singing in front of people. And I am also known for not taking orders from anyone. It's probably because at the moment, she has a lot more control than I do. . . . . . Whatever.

And to Ama, Haru, Yuuki and Ktaro- look out for her. Yuuki and Ktaro, you both know her better than I do. Make sure she knows that you'll be there if she falls. And Ama, Haru, dont you dare try anything just because I am acting "soft". If you do I will personally beat the crap out of you.

Heyllo

Hey, to all those people that actually follow Me and Miyoko's blog I am sorry that I hadnt posted for a while. I have an excuse though!!!!!!!! I was grounded for a month, I dont know what Miyoko's excuse was though.

Anyway. . . . . . . . I have a secret to tell you people. . . . . . . . I am actually part wolf. Okay, well, maybe its not exactly a secret anymore but I felt like telling you guys this. And.. . . . . . I think thats it. . . . . . .

Yep, thats it for today. Miyoko might post today, but I'm not sure. . . . . . . . Anyway, Ima go now. Bye!

Piece of info

Heyllo, heres a piece of info for all those who actually read this. Miyoko is part panda!!!!!!! Yes, I knew this before hand and I just decided to tell you guys now. Bye Bye

Spring Break: Day 2: Event 2: Movies

Okay I'm a couple of days late with Day 2 but oh well (day 2 was Friday).

Anyway, I went out with friends to the movies. We played some twisted version of tag and hide and go seek at B/T. In other words when a couple of us left the we were in group, we would ditch them. It was fun but annoying with running up and down stairs and hiding in stores. Then we ate at A/Bs. And lastly we went to the movies. After the movies the guys (which made up most of the group were going to go to G.S. But I couldn't and guess what? I left my umbrella at A/Bs. So I went back to find that someone jacked it. It was probably our waiter, we didn't pay him much of a tip ( he was a really bad waiter). Then I went home, only to go out again, to get food.

All in all, it was fun. I got to hang out with my guy friends and see a movie. Which was free I might add, one of them bought all of the tickets.

Spring Break: Day 1: Event 1: Entertaining

So yesterday was the first day of spring break. I had met up with a friend I havent seen in awhile. Her name is Shananza.

Anyway, we went down by the bay like thing thats some what near my house and hung out. Shananza had also brought along another friend of hers, whom I had never met before. After going to the bay thing I had to text my mother dear and say that I was home (she was not home). But really I had to run over 3/4 of a mile to actually get to my house.

Once I got there another friend of mine was waiting for me by my house. I had her come in, and a few minutes after I gulped down my two glasses of water Shanaza and her friend had finally made it to my house.

then we watched Transformers (the movie). And that was it. After the movie everyone left and I was home alone for a couple hours longer.

All in all, it was a pretty fun day. I still dont understand why I feel the need to keep whoever is reading this posted on my life, but whatever. Anyway, for those of you who are having spring break I hope you're having fun and for those of you who arent I hope you have a good day.

HMMM...

Hey. So I am Miyoko and I am Yuuka's friend. I am now a writer on this blog along with Yuuka. So get used to it....

So schools out!!! Im happy about that. But I feel like somethings missing in my life... However, I can't place my finger on it. I think about today and nothing special happened. Now that I think about it this whole week nothing really happened. Last year at this time I was lively, energetic, and crazy. But now my life is boring and im quiet. I used to have a hard time picking up a book to read because I would always want todo something different. Now I read every spare second I have in the school day and at home. AAAHHHH!!! WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?????

Heyllo. I dont have much to type about today. I just feel as if theres something that needs to change. . .

Differences

So everyone is different right? And along with these differences there are problems. With these problems come lessons. And so on and so forth.



My friends are all different (in a good way) and they all seem to have major and different problems. And occasionally they come to me for help. Its not that i dont like helping them its just that sometimes I have so many of my own problems to deal with. For example, one of my friends came up to me with a rather large dilemma and I sat through this persons whole story, bitting back my comments because if I even gave one hint that they were wrong they would blow up on me, and start the whole "I'm your friend arent you supposed to be on my side?" thing. Anyway, it wound up with the person deciding to never speak to this person again. And they pretend like everythings okay, when its not. I see the dark circles under their eyes from those often sleepless nights. I see how heart broken they are. I see that everything they do causes them pain. And it hurts me so much to see how much pain theyre going, through. And yet, of course, I being who I am can do nothing about it.



Ugh! There I go. I am now expressing my opinion and troubles to those who dont even know me. Or met me, rather. But this seems to be a lot easier then talking to people I know about it (minus the people I know that are reading this). Or maybe its just the fact that I am too much of a coward to tell other people what I know and what I've been through. My friends arent the only ones who have issues, my dad was an alcoholic who has been through at least twenty woman in my life time (which isnt very long, I'll give you a hint, I officially turned a teen a year ago).

But anyway, I really dont feel like digging through my past and spilling my guts about everything so, I guess this is it for today.

Aside from all of my depressing thoughts, I actually had a pretty good day. Same old in school minus the fact that my english teacher was absent. YAY! Not that I dont like english its just that I dont like the teacher. My science teacher once again taught us nothing and gets continuesly told off by some of my classmates. Spanish was annoying as usual (but fun). Ummm. . . .we did nothing in Math. . . . . .Why you want to know about my day? I have no idea. But if you enjoy reading this then, whatever.

Reasons For Starting All This

Hey. My names Yuuka. I guess I should start by saying why I created this. Well, I did it mainly for me. I mean I'm sure all of you reading this has gone through some things that you would never share with anyone else. Thats really my main reason, i'm not perfect and neither are any of my friends. And thats why I love them, but no matter how much I love them, I had always had a hard time talking to them about my personal life. Why I think confiding in total strangers is any better? I have no idea.
I guess its really to tell and show people that they arent alone out there. I felt so alone when I was younger and I hated it. And I still do, and I hate it. I just don't want anyone else to feel it. Sorry for getting all sentimental.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading. . . . . Though, I'm not really sure who would.
I guess I'll post more tomorrow. Bye


P.S. i am horrid at spelling, so dont be surprised if you find mistakes.